Once Upon a Time on Crack (Season 4)
by killthepain62
Summary: My two friends and I who watch Once Upon a Time and love it btw. However we love to make fun of the problem's in this show so in each episode we make fun of certain issues. This is meant to be in good humor, please take lightly.
1. Episode 1

**Welcome back everyone for another season! Let's do this thing!  
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* * *

><p><span>Problem Number 1<span>

Sabre: Why can't she control her powers?

Juliet: We already spent a whole Disney movie explaining this journey – we don't need a Once Upon a Time season!

Ava: She is the reverse of the Hulk – magically learning to control…

Elsa: Excuse me, can you help me?

Sabre: No, sorry.

Elsa: Why not? I was wondering if you could tell me-

Ava: Nope. It would contort the plot.

Elsa: Plot of what? Is there evil nearby?

Juliet: If you count these two….

Elsa: I am looking for my sister if you could just.

Ava: I said no…

Elsa: But-

Ava: I SAID NO, WOMAN! CONTINUE ON YOUR WAY AND PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE US!

Elsa: *continues forward* Those girls are mad.

Sabre: Poor girl she doesn't even know the half of it.

Confrontation

Snow: Is everything alright?

Ava: Charming's arrived! This can go south quickly…

Charming: How are we not rid of you?

Juliet: You are the one who decided to make another season.

Emma: Hey! Don't blame my dad for that! It's the writer's fault.

Ava: Then you should have tried to stop them harder. So long as we are together we will continue to mock you.

Sabre: Did he change his hair color?

Juliet: Oh my god! He did.

Robin: What?

Sabre: Not you – Charming!

Charming: What about my hair?

Ava: Could you sound a little more like a diva? I don't think they could hear you.

Charming: Haha.

Juliet: It got darker.

Sabre: In a single night.

Regina: The magic of Hollywood.

Ava: She knows what's up!

Neal

Juliet: Could you just see Neal rising up from the grave? 'Ugh! I'm not dead!'

Ava: No! Neal's death was something they did right!

Sabre: Not even as a zombie?

Ava: No I don't even want zombies in this show any more.

Sabre: Wow!

Rumple: Do you mind? I'm having a moment here.

Ava: A very random moment if you ask me.

Juliet: I think that if you had done this before hand to would have had more of an emotional impact, but in all honesty I don't care.

Sabre: Wait! Why does it only say – beloved son? He is a father too you know!

Ava: They weren't legally married so the father and son title is kind of up to Emma.

Juliet: So she didn't give him the title? What a bitch!

Sabre: Legally Henry is still Regina's son. So…I don't know…

Juliet: Even though I'm an HDFS major I still don't understand how this entire family works.

Stupid!

Ava: Robin! What are you thinking? 'Til death do us part!' You are giving her an invitation to kill your freaking wife! I almost think you want it!

Robin: I love Regina, but that's not true!

Sabre: Hear that, Juliet! Your OTP lives!

Robin: Stop thinking like that!

Juliet: Yay! I feel better now.

Robin: I love my wife! That's why I married her.

Sabre: You mean it wasn't because she was in Arrow or Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief?

Robin: What?

Ava: Haha! She's in Arrow! That's ironic…

Robin: How can Marian be in an arrow?

Ava: She dated another man in a series by that name.

Regina: As much as that sounds like a good thing for me I am also very confused.

Sabre: Do you actually want an explanation?

Robin and Regina: No.

Juliet: You two should know by now.

Anger

Ava: She's mad now something has to go…

Juliet: How can you tell?

Ava: She has almost-tears in her eyes.

Sabre: What about the big white horse over there?

Juliet: That seems like a good target.

Ava: Wait for it…

*Regina Glare - Smash*

Juliet: The painting? Of all things.

Sabre: I think it was a mirror.

Regina: Just be grateful it wasn't you.

Sabre: Someone is touchy.

Juliet: It's alright. I feel you! Bring it here girl.

Ava: I don't think that woman was made for hugging, Juliet.

Dancing

*Rumple snaps his finger and things happen*

Sabre & Juliet: What?! What?!

*Rumple and Belle dance to the song from the movie*

Ava & Sabre & Juliet: HAHAHAHA!

*Ava and Juliet clap*

Juliet: That was so cheesy! What the hell did he just pull?

Ava: I don't know, but that was hilarious!

Sabre: I'm still partly hoping that Rumple isn't the Beast – like there is another one out there once Rumple dies.

…

Ava: Do you have any idea how many fandoms you just pissed off right now?

Belle: Not to mention us – we were just married.

Sabre: Sucks to be all of you because everything from here on in was based ON A LIE!

Juliet: Yeah…that's just wrong.

Ava: Sorry everyone can't save you from that one.

Belle: What lie?

Sabre: Not ready for that conversation. Girls, you ready to go?

Ava & Juliet: YEP!

Say Yes to the Dress?

Juliet: The dress Ana is wearing changed!

Sabre: Oh my god! They did.

Juliet: Is it worse than Snow White's wedding dress?

…

Sabre & Ava & Juliet: Nah…

Ana: Who are these two strangers?

Elsa: I'm not quite sure…

Ava: Don't worry, sweetheart. There will be a time and a place.

Ana: I do believe the young lady has just propositioned you, sister!

…

Ava: That is NOT what I meant!

Sabre & Juliet: HAHAHAHAH!

Elsa: Ana, really?

Ana: Don't worry, sister. I will keep your secret.

Sabre: Disney just left PG!

Ava: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

What?

Ava: It's a snowman!

Sabre: It's Marshmallow.

Juliet: It is a snow golem! Okay everyone! It is not cute and it is protecting Elsa! It is a golem!

Sabre: *best Golem voice* Golem! Golem!

Snow Golem: RAAAWWRR!

Ava: I think it would sound more impressive with the T-Rex roar.

Juliet: Anything that roars like that would be impressive.

Sabre: That design is fairly similar to the actual thing from the Disney movie.

Hook: Are you three going to stand there and critique a monster?

Ava & Sabre & Juliet: *give a 'Really?' look*

Hook: Right, forgot who I was talking to for a moment.

Ava: That's right – go try to jump Emma's bones or something.

Hook: I love her.

Juliet: She didn't say you didn't.

Sabre: We all just know what's on your mind.

Hook: Oh really. What am I thinking now?

Ava: 'That's cold.'

Hook: HA! –

*Hook blasted by Golem and we share a respective high five*

Ava: Hot chocolate anyone?

Rock Trolls

Juliet: They copied that design to a tee!

Sabre: It's the same for the giant snowman.

Juliet: You mean golem.

Sabre: Whatever…

Ava: Are you sure? I think the ones in Disney looked better.

Sabre: Well, rock troll expert, what do you recommend?

Ava: Rockbiter design from the Neverending Story. Just with more moss and grass.

Juliet: That would have been kind of cool.

Sabre: That was pretty hokey. Sorry guys gotta disagree with you on this one.

Rock Troll: I'm right here you know!

Ana: Elsa, look! It's your lady friend.

*Ava's face flushes in embarrassment*

Elsa: Ana, we aren't seeing each other; you misunderstood. Also, I thought you were keeping that a secret.

Ana: Right!

*Ana mimics locking her mouth and throwing away the key*

Sabre: Good thing for us…

Juliet: …the Internet will be reading this soon enough.

Ava: Please don't make this a series long thing…

Good morning?

Robin: Blargh!

Ava: Is that how all men wake up in the morning on this show?

Sabre: Charming wakes up going 'Blurgrah!'

Charming: I do not!

Snow: Well…

Charming: Really?

*Snow shrugs her shoulders*

Juliet: Hook wakes up going 'Raghblargh!'

Hook: I resent that statement…I do a very sexy morning dance.

…..

Ava: I don't even want to know.

Emma: Don't even expect me to answer – I haven't seen him in the mornings.

Sabre & Juliet: YET!

Ava: Gold wakes up 'Haghrablah!'

Sabre: And he's not here to defend himself.

Ava: No…No he's not!

Juliet: I wonder if guys really do that or if it is specifically guys from this show…

Sabre: Ah! The men of Once Upon a Time!

The Door

Sabre & Juliet: DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN?!

Ava: HAHAHAHA!

Emma: Not right now guys. The snow monster is out on the loose-

Juliet: GOLEM!

Emma: Whatever. We really need Regina's help, but she is still feeling blue.

Ava: I can't think of a better time to build a snowman!

Emma: You three are useless…

Sabre: All we need is Olaf to make an appearance…

Ava: You want to push them off the cliff don't you?

Sabre: So much…

Juliet: How did Elsa manage to breathe life into Olaf or the golem?

Sabre: Maybe she gave birth…

*Sabre and Juliet shoot Ava a look*

Ava: KNOCK IT OFF BOTH OF YOU! WE ARE NOT-

Sabre: Denying it make you look even guiltier.

*Ava flips the table*

Ava: FOR THE LAST TIME! WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!

Winter is Summer

*Christoff with Elsa at docks*

Sabre: Why is he still wearing that thick coat?

Ava: They already brought summer back to Arendale.

Juliet: So what's with all the winter hats and vests.

Ava: Maybe they were afraid if you didn't see the winter attire you wouldn't know what movie this is.

Sabre: I think an idiot living under a rock would know what this is.

*Ana on the deck of the ship*

Sabre: Or maybe not.

Juliet: What is with the mittens?

Ava: And the cloak?

Sabre: And the hat?

Juliet: Don't you have a summer dress you wear?

Ava: How do you not die of overheating?

Ana: I'm marrying an ice merchant – I'm used to being uncomfortably hot.

….

Ava: Did anyone else-

Sabre & Juliet: YES!


	2. Episode 2

What?

Sabre: Is that Charming's farm?

Juliet: I bet it is.

Ava: They always have to tie these stories together somehow…

*Charming answers the door*

Ava & Sabre & Juliet: Oh my God! His hair! HAHAHAHAHA!

Charming: What's wrong with my hair?

Ava: I feel the need to now take you head banging.

Ana: That sounds painful.

Sabre: It can be.

Juliet: But not as painful as that hairdo.

Ava: He must be the new Garnier Fructis model.

Charming: Quit making fun of my hair.

Ava & Sabre & Juliet: HAHAHAHA!

Ana: Who is that?

*Someone approaching on carriage*

Ava: Is that Regina's mother?

Sabre: No. I don't think she dresses like that.

Juliet: Then who is it?

Charming: It's Po Peep.

Ava & Sabre & Juliet: WHAT?! HAHAHAHA!

Ava: Now he's afraid of Po Peep?

Sabre: Can they make his character any wimpier?

Charming: It's a fight that can't be won.

Ava: Bullshit, Charming, bullshit.

The Icepick

*Emma is frozen inside and Hook swings at the ice*

Juliet: What the hell are you doing?

Hook: I need to free Emma.

Juliet: By swinging at the ice…with the round side of your hook? Really?

Ava: The pointy end is the other way Hook.

Hook: But what if it gets stuck?

Sabre: I actually think that that's what happened in a previous take.

Ava: That's your girlfriend in there!

Juliet: Use the pointy end.

Hook: No and you can't make me.

*Charming pulls out gun pointed at Hook*

Charming: Do it now.

Hook: What the hell are you doing?

Ava: Well that escalated quickly.

Sabre: Actually I think I prefer Charming when he's batshit.

Maybe…

Elsa: Before I feeze everyone in this town.

Sabre: Yes! I was praying that she was going to actually be a villain in this one and she is! Yay!

Juliet: I think she's just emotionally confused because how confident did that sound really?

Elsa: Watch out. I'll do it!

Ava: Yes because that is intimidating.

Sabre: Yeah…not a villain, but I was hopeful.

Elsa: Watch!

*Freezes Sabre into ice statue*

Elsa: See…I mean business.

Ava: She's from the Pacific northwest you need a little more firepower than that.

*Sabre breaks out of ice roaring*

Sabre: I am the Twelfth Man! You cannot stop me.

*Charges the ice and breaks open the ice wall*

Ava: Sabre, quit cutting up pieces of the story.

Juliet: Should we go get Zack?

Ava: Her brother? Oh hell no. He would probably join her in this madness.

You and what army?

Juliet: Charming said that you had a private army. OF WHAT? Two guys?

Po Peep: Well I'm on a budget.

Ava: But you couldn't afford Gary Buesy? He's scarier than these two.

Sabre: Actually where did Charming learn to fight off two people at once? Is Ana just that good?

Ava: Oh yeah! By the way, Charming….YOU FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

Charming: I thought girls like it when women are portrayed as strong individuals.

Sabre: Except that Ana never had any sword fighting lessons at all. She was too busy dangerously riding her bike through the halls.

*Charming wins fight and wraps Po Peep to pillar*

Juliet: Yes because a ribbon is so hard to break out of…This show man…

*Charming rushes to the barn and is jumped by Ana*

Sabre: So she was in no danger at all ever? Then what was the point? She was still on your farm the whole time, but you felt no need to go look for her? You just thought Po Peep was evil enough to do something to a complete stranger who has nothing and doesn't even live here?

Juliet: Yeah…He's just stupid.

Ava: Is no one else coming? Lamest battle sequence ever. Also – BULLSHIT CHARMING! BULLSHIT!

Heartbeat?

*Everyone can hear the heartbeat and then Snow White enters*

Sabre: HAHAHAHA!

Ava: What?

Sabre: What if it wasn't a heartbeat? Just Snow White coming up the stairs?

*Everyone stares at her incredulously*

Elsa: Ana…

Emma: Way to go guys…

Juliet: That doesn't mean it was…

Sabre: Oh but I wish it did!

*Freezes Sabre into ice statue*

Elsa: How dare you speak of my sister this way.

Ava: Fuck me. Here we go again…

*Sabre breaks out of ice roaring*

Sabre: I am the Twelfth Man! I will destroy you!

*Charges Charming and tackles him to the floor*

Ava: Sabre, get off the idiot. We still have 8 more minutes of show to watch.

Sabre: Never.

Juliet: I think we lost Charming.

Ava: So Snow, ever consider remarrying?

New Villain

Sabre: Is that the Snow Queen?

Juliet: Please tell us it's the Snow Queen!

*Snow powers activate*

Sabre & Juliet: YES!

Ava: Wait so she has been there all this time and didn't do shit? Why did she wait until right now?

Sabre: Bet you that that's Elsa's real mom.

Juliet: Oh god, please no!

Sabre: And that David and Kristoff are somehow related.

Juliet: NO, FOR THE LOVE OF THE WORLD, NO!

Ava: Where the fuck have you been?

Snow Queen: Narnia.

….

Ava: I will buy that. I am okay with this.

Sabre: All things considered, I'm sad they didn't make Elsa the villain, but it's kind of redeemable by adding in the Snow Queen as a separate person.

Juliet & Ava: Agreed.

Snow Queen: What some ice cream?

Sabre: FUCK YEAH! I LOVE VILLAINS!

Ava: Only because they give you food.


	3. Discontinued

**Alright guys. I think that most of us agree that the series has take a turn for the worse and I don't want to keep going. This season is so boring and I can't think of much witty to say. Watching this is now a chore so I am going to stop this here, but we had a lot of fun up to this point. Sorry if you were looking forward to more, but I don't find this funny anymore and I'd rather watch Legend of Korra. Sorry everybody!**


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